I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The Olympian is in my bed
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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