what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
they're like a gay fantastic four
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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