all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
