On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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