somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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