I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
