i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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