I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
