I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
