Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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