Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize