I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
