remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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