I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
