Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So here I am, sexting at work.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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