I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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