shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
