what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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