If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize