Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
