The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
