Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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