Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
