its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
