I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
