My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
