I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
