Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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