did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
