I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
