bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
