Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
