Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize