I feel great
I just peed on a car
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
