We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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