Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
