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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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