I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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