Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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