I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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