I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize