cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
