how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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