I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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