How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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