His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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