the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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