i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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