i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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