Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize