mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
