so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
