I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize