I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
