i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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