Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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