You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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