I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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