I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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