i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
