Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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