I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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