Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize