you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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