Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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