I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
